Today, I got two text messages from my girlfriend. The first was to tell me it was all over; the second was to say she'd sent it to the wrong person. FML

Today, I discovered my fiance had tried to fake his own death because he thought it would be easier than confessing to the affair he was having. FML

Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the lights came up, we saw he was in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML

Today, I took my girlfriend to a very nice restaurant. I thought it would be a good place to pop the question. I gave the ring to the waiter and asked him to put it on her dessert plate. When she saw it, she picked it up, put it down and said, 'No'. Then she ate the dessert. FML

And here is one to illustrate that Facebook is evil and has pervasive influence in our lives (which is why I do not maintain an active account):

Today, I looked at the Facebook page of the girl I reall like, and saw that she had recently written on her friend's wall: "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

Finally, one of my own.

Today, it was my second day at work and a colleague was leaving. I was asked to sign on the card which read "Congratulations". I saw a fellow colleague writing "Wish it was me retiring". Hence, I wrote "Congratulations on your retirement; it is time to do the things you were too busy for before!". When it was time to present the card, I realised the colleague who was leaving was in his early 20s. FML