Unfortunately, Heaven has other plans for my granny. I hope she is better now wherever she is. I am sure my sister will take very good care of her.
This has been the absolute worst year in my life - 3 deaths in a year.
My maternal grandmother in March, my sister in May and now my paternal grandmother in October.
When I lie awake at night, I wonder at the futility of life.
It has been 5 months since my sister's death and I think she has become a shadow in my life. I think about her in quiet moments and wonder if she is doing fine wherever she is. The pain of losing her has slowly ebbed but I cannot help feeling sad that she has taken this lonely road to end her life.
Sometimes, when I wake up in the mornings or ruminate in the nights; I still find it hard to believe that my sister is really gone. I think my brain blocked out the painful memories and when I convince myself she is really gone do I remember the pain.
I take comfort in my daily routine with my shadow and try to remember she is happier now wherever she may be.
I cannot imagine myself going in this fashion without a chance to say my goodbyes. I can imagine how her family and friends must feel with her sudden death. It reminded me of my sister's passing; and how I never got to say a proper goodbye. That really bothered me because I always felt there must have been something I could have done or said which could have changed events.
So many sudden and tragic deaths had happened this year. Reminds me of what Linda said; that some people live and go shortly in this world but they have served a purpose and have a message for those who know them.
Life is so unpredictable; that is the biggest message that I have learnt. Never take things for granted and always be happy. And give a hug to the people you treasure.
I am never without it (anywhere I go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)
I fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet)
I want no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
And it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)
~E.E. Cummings
